May i please have some opinion on a poem i have written? 10 points to most constructive critic.?

Daisy, across the Broadway path


The girl with fame


In place of a heart





Singing out those small-town blues


Tied down to the past,


By buckle-up shoes





She would watch her stars


Each day and night


The walk of fame, her paradise





As the sun went down,


She lost disguise, un-zipped her top


Spread out her thighs





A snort of coke, a quick shoot up


Bubbles gone, she’s back on top


Time to grace her stage again





Oh, such a glamorous way


To pay the bills, greasy poles


And one night thrills





dreams of meeting speilberg,


of standing with monroe


lost, as she took off her kit


for those in the front row





She always wanted to be a star,


She was my star


She’s fallen now.














please bare in mind i am only 13, and have missed this past year of schooling, so i am not sure if my patterns and grammar are fully correct.


thank you.

May i please have some opinion on a poem i have written? 10 points to most constructive critic.?
Your poem is wonderful, don%26#039;t doubt yourself just because you%26#039;re 13, you do just fine. This sounds like it would do better translated into a song, but it is a very, very good poem. Congratulations. Don%26#039;t ever stop writing.





You don%26#039;t have to worry about patterns or poetic formats as long as it%26#039;s good. If it%26#039;s good, no one should care.





You%26#039;re about to receive the highest score I%26#039;ve ever given. 97 out of 100. If you don%26#039;t agree, that%26#039;s fine, it%26#039;s just an opinion. But, what good is literature without opinion.








EDIT [Response: Lisa]: What? She doesn%26#039;t have to get help. There is nothing wrong with this poem! Shes just not naive, so what?!
Reply:wow that was really deep and i think that for 13 you should quit being around who ever your around or what ever it is that influnces you to write about such things
Reply:try this...http://groups.msn.com/PoeticFreedom


join the group


I am actually deeply disturbed that at 13 you have these images in your mind...please find someone to talk to, like a councilor or teacher.
Reply:Don%26#039;t know much about poetry but I would change your 7th stanza to three lines to match the rest of the poem.



diseases